I have finally gotten the pain under control and now it hurts when I over do it or walk a lot. I am still getting nerve pain but it is coming infrequently now but when it comes oohh boy that electrical shock is something.
What I didn't expect was the emotional roller coaster I am on. I honestly though after my surgery and getting back to my estrogen I would level out. That has not happened. My emotions are all over the play lately, one moment I can be high as a kite the next down in the dumps. I wondered why and finally asked and got somewhat my answer.
When you have your surgery the production of hormones change drastically. I knew that what I didn't know was you body and brain go though a major change as well. You are now more affected by the estrogen levels within yourself and they are a mood swinger. I just had my blood work done and my testosterone level is low and my estrogen level is normal . I can no longer produce testosterone and the irony is I might have to take small doesages of the drug as the are mood stabilizers
It is just not the changes in hormones that I will still have to deal with. I still have repression from not letting my true self out for a very long time,and having a false self that built a shell around me.The true self would have liked nothing more than to kill it but it is stubborn and holds on the the self it has created. There is internal conflict going on all the time. It will keep happening until one is dead or finally lets the true person out to spread its wings and flies. It doesnt mean you fly on the first time there are lots of bumps and bruises along the way.
I was out with a girl friend the other day and she made a interesting comment that I really didn't know I was doing. She said how come you talk in the third person most of the time. You are now Rachel and should be talking in the first. I have thought about it over the past couple days. I won't deny my past but I have to get over it and just start living as myself.
As the saying goes You've come along way baby!!! but now there is just a lot more to come
