Reflection

I have been in a lot of pain in the last two weeks and have not felt like writing. As I woke this morning the pain was down to a dull roar and I have some memories to share.


The Asclepiade or recovery house was an amazing place to begin on my new journey. It is full of acceptance and love from all the staff. I can still see Simon's lovely smile each morning as I came for breakfast and it made the pain just a little less noticeable. The nurses are there for you and each has their own way. Some are very tender and some are no nonsense and right to the point. I found that during my stay that I needed each kind of nurse. When I needed to learn how to dilate it was nonsense and too the point or when I had a bad reaction to the meds Marc was there to hold my hand and sit with me and make sure I was going to be ok. It isn't easy being a nurse they as they are so many different personalities with differing  level of pain they deal with. They do it with such professionalism and love that I will always have a special place in my heart for there.


The friends I made there will be friends for life. I probably will never see them again but I will always keep in contact. You share a special bond with the ones that have gone through the surgery and you have lived with them at the house. You share your fears and pain. When you come down for your meal and are really hurting they know and share a smile or some comforting words because they have been through it.


I wish I could have stayed there another week but it is good to be home and see bailey, my parents and the friends I have now. The plane ride was very uncomfortable with all the turbulence that was encountered and made the pain worse.  I am so glad I got the wheelchair. The staff at Air Canada made sure my trip was comfortable as possible. As I walked into the baggage terminal it was so nice to see Llyn there with her wonderful smile. It really made me feel so much better and for a bit lessened my pain.


I am home and it has been hard. Coming for a environment where you are in total care and everything is looked after to having to do thing on your own. I have to not push myself as hard as I notice I am not sleeping as much or getting the rest I need to recover. In the recovery house there was always some one there when the pain was unbearable now you only have yourself to deal with it. I am slowly recovery but it is a long and arduous. I can see why some girls fail to follow the aftercare that is required. You have to commit to ensure you follow it diligently every day even on the day you feel like crap and don't want to do a thing.


Looking back at what the last 4 years had been like and all the trails and tribulation I have gone through. I know it has made me a stronger person and knowing everything I know today I would still have followed this path. I feel whole for the first time in my life. I love myself and in doing so has been able to develop friendship on such a personal level. I don't know what will happen in the future, all I can say is I will live my life to the fullest

A Special Night

It has been a amazing night. I came over to the hospital at 7 pm. The nurses were kind and very caring. I am at total peace of mind. I am really ready for the surgery tomorrow. I  talked to Kara and several of my friends and all wished me well..

The only time I got very emotional was when my son  Jeff called. He told me he loved me and was proud I was his father, he told me that what I  was courageous. I told him that I loved him and I looked up to him. He said something very profound to me this evening. We never tell the people we are close to how much we love them and something it is to late to do so. He is worried about me and wanted to say how much he loved me incase anything went wrong, I told him that he is the first person contacted incase of an emergency and  was told that he would be by my side in a instead.

I am trying to go to sleep now but it is very hard.The nurse has given me a sleeping pill so I can get a good night sleep and be strong for the surgery. As I drift off to sleep I feel very confident that the new charpter in my life will be an exciting time

The Celebration of My Life

I am sitting here reflecting on the past week leading up having my surgery. It was barely a week ago that I was extremely nervous and was worried not concentrating and finally crying in a parking lot. I had my best friend Kara call me and bring me back down. I was pushing myself a little too hard to make sure everything was done. It was something I had always done in the past. It is something I need to stop.

The friendships I have developed as I proceed on this journey are truly amazing. I have never had friends where intimacy has occurred. I now can share an intimacy and discuss my feeling with a closeness I have never felt before.  It is a important step in one's transition  in making these kinds of friendships. It felt good over the last several days to have so many friends call, text or email wishing me all the best.

I know this is so right for me. As I boarded the plane on Friday afternoon a calmness overcame me. It was a seine feeling and for the first time they was no nervousness or being worried. I just felt happy.

On Saturday, Kara and I explored the city. We went shopping together, had a wonderful lunch of Montreal's famous smoked meat. After we took a horse and carriage ride through old Montreal. In the evening we met up with an old friend of mine  Caroline and we all went to dinner to steakhouse in the village . It was a nice dinner and we all enjoyed each others companionship.

It was at this dinner that I shared something very personal with my best friend. I know Kara has come to Montreal with me to help and support me in this important stage of my life. I am sure I will appreciate her coming to the hospital see me and be here when I need her. I told her it is appreciated but was not the real reason I wanted her here with me. Kara is my best friend, we have become very close over the past year. I wanted Kara here with me to celebrate my life and the wonderful transformation they will occur in the next several days. I have never been happier in my life and I am feeling so calm right now and so glad that Kara can be her to share this intimate time with me.