My first poem

Love is like the ocean
It come in and out with the tide
But it is always there
it moves in mysterious ways
Always full and deep
it can catch you on the top of a wave
and bring you too its bottom depths
it is fluid and it is strong

my love for you is like that never ending
oh so very deep
filling up and overflowing

          You are my ocean

Rache

looking into the Past

This past month it has been really hard on me. I have a tenacity to let people continually hurt me. On May 5, 2012 my youngest son got married and I was not invited. What was worse was that my parents never got invited either. My middle son sent me an email saying that for now they don't want me in there life. It hurt me greatly more than I thought it would. What helped me was spending time with a close friend  going to dinner and movies.

I have thought about this a great deal and for now as my oldest accepts and loves me I will focus on him The other two  I will let them have some space and when they want a relationship they can come back to me and I will accept them with open arms but I cant let them keep hurting me.

I do fight with depression and being alone by myself has not helped the situation at all. I am working at going out a little more  being with friends and not staying on the computer. I have been off the computer for almost two weeks now. I find that on line relationships are not really healthy for me as when they don't work out they reaffirm that I am not loved.

I have all my life craved attention. It is maybe why I did some really stupid things growing up, was always the class clown in school. Was a person that was funny and could act anyway people like but had a deep need to please everyone. I did not have allot of self confidence from a very young age and I know I was different than all the boys in my class but had to hide it as a secret. I was always scared that some one would find out. To this day I still dont have allot of self esteem and have a problem thinking I am successful. It is just very deep rooted

I look back on my life and see there is a pattern . Allot of the attention I have seeked is negative and the way I have seen it is any attention on me is good attention. It will  sometime in the future look inward and see that I am a good person with good qualities. Try and make the attention on me positive. It is not an easy thing to do almost like an alcoholic so easy to take that one drink and than everything slips back ward.

It is good to have a few close friends around that really care about me. Yes they can be harsh sometimes but they always do it out of love and I appreciate them. I have never had friends like this before. I was a loner most of my life. I am a extrovert that was trying to hide myself and become an introvert as I never wanted any one to find out my true self. In reflection evening getting married was more about not being alone than being loved.

This is the end of the month and June is a new beggining and for now I will work on new beginnings

Work

I started work at 16 years old in the post office and since that day I thought I didnt need to save any money and if I worked hard my company at the end of it would reward me with a pension so I could retire. I could enjoy the things I really never got to do alot golf, travel and be involved in community theater which was a passion of mine when I was very young.
It doesn't always work like that in life. For one my gender got in the way and I transitioned from male to female . This changed everything I had planned for my life. I am not saying what I planned was better because I feel alot better and I can be my true self which has resulted in some very dear friendships I would never have had.
My transition resulted in me being off work for 7 months and I have found if difficult to come back. I started back to work about 10 days ago. The physical aspect of returning has been hard I get tired easily and have pushed myself. However there has been some very positives about returning to work. I have started to meet people again interact with them. I have found a stength in that and I have noticed since my return that it has been like my male self has retired and a new woman has returned to work.
I have a new job as the manager for a two year project. I am going to show everyone that I will make this project a success. I would have liked to retire but at this time it is financially unviable so the next best thing is to get to work. I am a capable manager and will  show people what Rachel can do.

Some days

Some days you just want to crawl into bed and forget everything. I had one of those days. It started with talking to a very dear friend of mine who was hurting and it seemed I could do nothing but listen to her. I wanted to just hold her and say everything would be better but that is not always possible in life. I was sad to see that her spirit was almost broken but I will be there for her and let her now she is love.

I wonder why reality life on the computer can take a life on its own. I am seeing more people get hurt on here and I know I spend too much time on it and not take it so seriously. I have some true friends  that I have become close too and friendships that I will have for a lifetime hopefully. I also have to start looking at what my real life will be like and I cant grow being on a computer all day. Today I defended a friend on IMVU  and it got a bit nasty and after I had to wonder why it ever got to that.

I am frustrated at what is happening with my work and how I feel I have been treated after almost 39 years giving everything I had to the company. I am scared shitless about what the future will bring to me. I am going next Tuesday too see what the results are the cancer on my face. I know is it not terminal but it still really worries me.

I have reflected about my situation and even though I am having problems there are people worse off than me and there are persevering  and making the best of a bad situations. It is just a bad day and I will try and wake up and make the best of it tomorrow

It is interesting that most  are transgender and each is worse off  because they wanted to be who they really are. I read an article that talked about the misconceptions of what it  is being transgender. They missed one that society is accepting of people who transition. I think we do have friends that accept us but society is as a whole doesn't. They just keep their prejudices just hidden but we are really not accepted. Why do you think there are some many suicides with transgender individual. That people who should transition wont because of the consequences. Just think if I told work that if I had terminal cancer  they would be caring but would not make a huge deal  I told them I  have a neurological problem  and it is a huge deal and they have to having meeting with all my staff and I am treated different. I am just frustrated but will move forward in my life but a little less confident that I will ever be totally accepted for who I really am

Outlook

I have come along way but not as long as I would like to be. I am still looking for that relationship and the feeling of being connected to someone intimately. How can I have that when first I must be connected to myself and happy from within. I have worked on it but at times it still eludes me. I need to be able to live alone and be happy within myself.

I really noticed this with Christmas and my son coming to stay with me. I was uplifted that he was here. I felt connected that he was in my home with me and we could chat and get to know one another. I found out he was a great cook and we have several fabulous dinners together in which he prepared. He stayed for a week we did things together, went to a very good foreign film in which we both enjoyed. I have never felt closer to him than this time together.

When he left to go stay with his Mom the feeling of loneliness came back. That I was by myself again and went into a bit of a funk. I have thought about this and I think it is a false believe that I am still not good enough. I don't deserve to be happy. I have started to recognize when I get this feeling of despair in my body  as my  legs and thigh tense up

Yesterday I  noticed it coming back as I getting a cold and was not eating properly and letting myself run down. If you are not taking care of yourself you aren't loving yourself. Today I decided to make a change. I woke up and told myself I am love, I feel good. I had a nice breakfast and cleaned up the apartment. I took bailey my dog for a walk. I went to my parents house and have a visit with them and my son was there.It was a really nice time. Overall I have a good day and tomorrow I can wake up with a positive outlook and start to change my negative patterns .
 

Emotions

I have finally gotten the pain under control and now it hurts when I over do it or walk a lot. I am still getting nerve pain but it is coming infrequently now but when it comes oohh boy that electrical shock is something.

What I didn't expect was the emotional roller coaster I am on. I honestly though after my surgery and getting back to my estrogen I would level out. That has not happened. My emotions are all over the play lately, one moment I can be high as a kite the next down in the dumps. I wondered why and finally asked and got somewhat my answer.

When you have your surgery  the production of hormones change drastically. I knew that what I didn't know was you body and brain go though a major change as well. You are now more affected by the estrogen levels within yourself and they are a mood swinger.  I just had my blood work done and my testosterone level is low and my estrogen level is normal . I can no longer produce testosterone and the irony is I might have to take small doesages of the drug as the are mood stabilizers

It is just not the changes in hormones that I will still have to deal with.  I still have repression from not letting my true self out for a very long time,and having a false self that built a shell around me.The true self would have liked nothing more than to kill it but it is stubborn and holds on the the self it has created. There is internal conflict going on all the time. It will keep happening until one is dead or finally lets the true person out  to spread its wings and flies. It doesnt mean you fly on the first time there are lots of bumps and bruises along the way.

I  was out with a girl friend the other day and she made a interesting comment that I really didn't know I was doing. She said how come you talk in the third person most of the time. You are now Rachel and should be talking in the first.  I have thought about it over the past couple days. I won't deny my past but I  have to get over it and just start living as myself. 

As the saying goes You've come along way baby!!! but now there is just a lot more to come

Friends

I have been having lots of pain and feeling down and alone at home. So yesterday was very special to me. I was invited to my friend Oona's home with her family. It was a lovely fall day, the sun was shinning the air crisp and the leaves falling off the trees. Even driving to her house the pain was lessened as I was enjoying the day
I got to her home she had set up the couch so I would be comfortable. We got to talk and share our experience and it was fun watching her son scamper about the house full of energy. He didn't want to take a nap and at one point I read him a story.
Oona made a lovely lunch.It was a an vegetarian organic spaghetti and it was delicious. After lunch we played scrabble for what seemed like hours. I have an very enjoyable afternoon. Friendships is all about being connected and it doesn't happen all that often in your life. So I am very lucky to have found that with Oona my very dear friend