Outlook

I have come along way but not as long as I would like to be. I am still looking for that relationship and the feeling of being connected to someone intimately. How can I have that when first I must be connected to myself and happy from within. I have worked on it but at times it still eludes me. I need to be able to live alone and be happy within myself.

I really noticed this with Christmas and my son coming to stay with me. I was uplifted that he was here. I felt connected that he was in my home with me and we could chat and get to know one another. I found out he was a great cook and we have several fabulous dinners together in which he prepared. He stayed for a week we did things together, went to a very good foreign film in which we both enjoyed. I have never felt closer to him than this time together.

When he left to go stay with his Mom the feeling of loneliness came back. That I was by myself again and went into a bit of a funk. I have thought about this and I think it is a false believe that I am still not good enough. I don't deserve to be happy. I have started to recognize when I get this feeling of despair in my body  as my  legs and thigh tense up

Yesterday I  noticed it coming back as I getting a cold and was not eating properly and letting myself run down. If you are not taking care of yourself you aren't loving yourself. Today I decided to make a change. I woke up and told myself I am love, I feel good. I had a nice breakfast and cleaned up the apartment. I took bailey my dog for a walk. I went to my parents house and have a visit with them and my son was there.It was a really nice time. Overall I have a good day and tomorrow I can wake up with a positive outlook and start to change my negative patterns .
 

Emotions

I have finally gotten the pain under control and now it hurts when I over do it or walk a lot. I am still getting nerve pain but it is coming infrequently now but when it comes oohh boy that electrical shock is something.

What I didn't expect was the emotional roller coaster I am on. I honestly though after my surgery and getting back to my estrogen I would level out. That has not happened. My emotions are all over the play lately, one moment I can be high as a kite the next down in the dumps. I wondered why and finally asked and got somewhat my answer.

When you have your surgery  the production of hormones change drastically. I knew that what I didn't know was you body and brain go though a major change as well. You are now more affected by the estrogen levels within yourself and they are a mood swinger.  I just had my blood work done and my testosterone level is low and my estrogen level is normal . I can no longer produce testosterone and the irony is I might have to take small doesages of the drug as the are mood stabilizers

It is just not the changes in hormones that I will still have to deal with.  I still have repression from not letting my true self out for a very long time,and having a false self that built a shell around me.The true self would have liked nothing more than to kill it but it is stubborn and holds on the the self it has created. There is internal conflict going on all the time. It will keep happening until one is dead or finally lets the true person out  to spread its wings and flies. It doesnt mean you fly on the first time there are lots of bumps and bruises along the way.

I  was out with a girl friend the other day and she made a interesting comment that I really didn't know I was doing. She said how come you talk in the third person most of the time. You are now Rachel and should be talking in the first.  I have thought about it over the past couple days. I won't deny my past but I  have to get over it and just start living as myself. 

As the saying goes You've come along way baby!!! but now there is just a lot more to come

Friends

I have been having lots of pain and feeling down and alone at home. So yesterday was very special to me. I was invited to my friend Oona's home with her family. It was a lovely fall day, the sun was shinning the air crisp and the leaves falling off the trees. Even driving to her house the pain was lessened as I was enjoying the day
I got to her home she had set up the couch so I would be comfortable. We got to talk and share our experience and it was fun watching her son scamper about the house full of energy. He didn't want to take a nap and at one point I read him a story.
Oona made a lovely lunch.It was a an vegetarian organic spaghetti and it was delicious. After lunch we played scrabble for what seemed like hours. I have an very enjoyable afternoon. Friendships is all about being connected and it doesn't happen all that often in your life. So I am very lucky to have found that with Oona my very dear friend

Reflection

I have been in a lot of pain in the last two weeks and have not felt like writing. As I woke this morning the pain was down to a dull roar and I have some memories to share.


The Asclepiade or recovery house was an amazing place to begin on my new journey. It is full of acceptance and love from all the staff. I can still see Simon's lovely smile each morning as I came for breakfast and it made the pain just a little less noticeable. The nurses are there for you and each has their own way. Some are very tender and some are no nonsense and right to the point. I found that during my stay that I needed each kind of nurse. When I needed to learn how to dilate it was nonsense and too the point or when I had a bad reaction to the meds Marc was there to hold my hand and sit with me and make sure I was going to be ok. It isn't easy being a nurse they as they are so many different personalities with differing  level of pain they deal with. They do it with such professionalism and love that I will always have a special place in my heart for there.


The friends I made there will be friends for life. I probably will never see them again but I will always keep in contact. You share a special bond with the ones that have gone through the surgery and you have lived with them at the house. You share your fears and pain. When you come down for your meal and are really hurting they know and share a smile or some comforting words because they have been through it.


I wish I could have stayed there another week but it is good to be home and see bailey, my parents and the friends I have now. The plane ride was very uncomfortable with all the turbulence that was encountered and made the pain worse.  I am so glad I got the wheelchair. The staff at Air Canada made sure my trip was comfortable as possible. As I walked into the baggage terminal it was so nice to see Llyn there with her wonderful smile. It really made me feel so much better and for a bit lessened my pain.


I am home and it has been hard. Coming for a environment where you are in total care and everything is looked after to having to do thing on your own. I have to not push myself as hard as I notice I am not sleeping as much or getting the rest I need to recover. In the recovery house there was always some one there when the pain was unbearable now you only have yourself to deal with it. I am slowly recovery but it is a long and arduous. I can see why some girls fail to follow the aftercare that is required. You have to commit to ensure you follow it diligently every day even on the day you feel like crap and don't want to do a thing.


Looking back at what the last 4 years had been like and all the trails and tribulation I have gone through. I know it has made me a stronger person and knowing everything I know today I would still have followed this path. I feel whole for the first time in my life. I love myself and in doing so has been able to develop friendship on such a personal level. I don't know what will happen in the future, all I can say is I will live my life to the fullest

A Special Night

It has been a amazing night. I came over to the hospital at 7 pm. The nurses were kind and very caring. I am at total peace of mind. I am really ready for the surgery tomorrow. I  talked to Kara and several of my friends and all wished me well..

The only time I got very emotional was when my son  Jeff called. He told me he loved me and was proud I was his father, he told me that what I  was courageous. I told him that I loved him and I looked up to him. He said something very profound to me this evening. We never tell the people we are close to how much we love them and something it is to late to do so. He is worried about me and wanted to say how much he loved me incase anything went wrong, I told him that he is the first person contacted incase of an emergency and  was told that he would be by my side in a instead.

I am trying to go to sleep now but it is very hard.The nurse has given me a sleeping pill so I can get a good night sleep and be strong for the surgery. As I drift off to sleep I feel very confident that the new charpter in my life will be an exciting time

The Celebration of My Life

I am sitting here reflecting on the past week leading up having my surgery. It was barely a week ago that I was extremely nervous and was worried not concentrating and finally crying in a parking lot. I had my best friend Kara call me and bring me back down. I was pushing myself a little too hard to make sure everything was done. It was something I had always done in the past. It is something I need to stop.

The friendships I have developed as I proceed on this journey are truly amazing. I have never had friends where intimacy has occurred. I now can share an intimacy and discuss my feeling with a closeness I have never felt before.  It is a important step in one's transition  in making these kinds of friendships. It felt good over the last several days to have so many friends call, text or email wishing me all the best.

I know this is so right for me. As I boarded the plane on Friday afternoon a calmness overcame me. It was a seine feeling and for the first time they was no nervousness or being worried. I just felt happy.

On Saturday, Kara and I explored the city. We went shopping together, had a wonderful lunch of Montreal's famous smoked meat. After we took a horse and carriage ride through old Montreal. In the evening we met up with an old friend of mine  Caroline and we all went to dinner to steakhouse in the village . It was a nice dinner and we all enjoyed each others companionship.

It was at this dinner that I shared something very personal with my best friend. I know Kara has come to Montreal with me to help and support me in this important stage of my life. I am sure I will appreciate her coming to the hospital see me and be here when I need her. I told her it is appreciated but was not the real reason I wanted her here with me. Kara is my best friend, we have become very close over the past year. I wanted Kara here with me to celebrate my life and the wonderful transformation they will occur in the next several days. I have never been happier in my life and I am feeling so calm right now and so glad that Kara can be her to share this intimate time with me.

Friends and Other Emotional Tidbits

Wednesday was a emotional day for me. I had coffee with my friend Oona. It was during the organizing of the booth for pride that I met her. Over this last little while we have become very good friends. In the last 50 years this never really happened for me and I don't think I had any close intimate friendship.

We were sitting over coffee yesterday and  discussing how male and female friends are different. She talked about how her relationships are different with men as opposed to her girl friends. Whereas a male friend she doesn't see for a while they can pick up where they left off. With her girl friends if she did that, they would be hurt it is a much close relationship and one that gets emotional involved.

She asked me if I had thought about that.  I really have not but on reflection she was right. Thinking about some of my male friends we never really got personal and would start where we left off even after months. I thought about the interactions I have now with my girl friends and it is much personal and intimate. Feeling are not hidden but discussed out in the open.

After having coffee with my friend i was in a bit of a rush as I was having my cousin Freda over for dinner. i got in my car and click.click click it would not start. I tried to call my friend to see if she had jumper cables, no answer, I tried to flag down several motorist but they were disinterested and either shook their head and waved me away.  I walked two blocks to a garage and asked for help, was told they can't their insurance doesn't cover it. I was beginning to get worried what was I going to do. I flagged down a cab driver and he stopped and flagged another two cabs down. They had jumper cables but still could not get my car started.
One cabbie was very aggressive male and demanded money for each of the cabbies that helped.  He would not take no for an answer as I had flagged them down they should be paid for there time. I felt helpless and gave them 20 dollars and they left.

A gentleman came from across the street and offered to help. He said pretty lady calm down I will help you as he tried to get it started but couldn't. He said wait here I have a friend with a garage several blocks from here. He came back with other others and the pushed me until my car picked up speed from the momentum and glided into the garage. They put a new battery in. While I was waiting several other women came in and I was surprised how easy it was for a conversation between us to start.

My cousin waited at my house for two hours when I finally got home. We had pizza for dinner talked about the days event and than she helped me purge my closet of outdated clothes. I have become close to my cousin after 20 years of being apart.

Today I realized how many close friends I have. I felt so much like a woman not once was there a thought I did not pass.  There were many emotions I experienced frustration that I was stuck, fear from an aggressive male, satisfaction that a good looking man helped me and only saw me as a woman and finally the confidence that I am accepted in this world as a woman.

I know that there will be days I don't feel I pass. These will become further and further apart, like today even though I was starting to panic a bit I never felt more like a woman. There was no shell just me

Projections and Other Thoughts

This past week I decided I was going to golf. I called several friends but none were able to go on the Sunday. I was determined too, so on Sunday morning was up early and headed to the golf course. I was paired with two guys and they made it an enjoyable day for me.

During the game I become aware of my surrounding and how I was feeling. It started with my throat being dry and as result become a little raspy at times. I became a bit self self conscious and ever so often, a thought would appear does my voice give me away. This was in spite of the fact that the one golfer made me feel very much like a woman. The interaction was very much different than when I played golf as a guy.When ever  I hit a really good shot he would turn look at me, smile and say great shot  Also when I told him he hit a great shot he would  look me in the eyes and smiles. When men play together they never look at each other never mind smile.

Since being on hormones I have really began to notice I have less strength than I use too. At first it would frustrate me especially on a golf course where  friends I would out drive by 10 to 20 yards  now consistently out drive me. For Doug golf was a very competitive game one he played with a passion. Yesterday I realized even though I wanted to play well there wasn't the passion I was just enjoying myself. I use to play 36 hole of golf in a day and yesterday towards the end I noticed I was becoming physical fatigued. One of the golfers even commented after I hit a particular bad shot "its ok Rachel we all hit bad shots when we become tired".

After the round I said my goodbyes and was driving home,  I thought about the difference that 2 years has made in my life. I am not talking about my transition and everything that has happened. I mean in some of the plans I have thought about as I got close to retire. In 2009,  my only hobby at the time was golfing. I was thinking about the days when I would retire and play 4 or 5 rounds  a week. Now I do not see that in my future. I will still play golf but now I have other hobbies I enjoy cooking and photography. I have so many more friends with different interest now and those are to be explored.

When I got home I started to get ready as I was having my parents over for dinner. I do enjoy having friends and family over and cooking for them. They really enjoyed the meal and it was nice to be appreciated. Our conversation when my parents are over has been in the past focused on politics or sports. These are the interest of my dad, who likes to control the conversation and Doug was very much like that. Rachel however enjoys a wide range of topics that includes her Mom in the conversation. I have come to realize that my Dad misses that and there might be some anger involved. This time our conversation was about family and  relatives. I also learned that my grandmother's name on my Dad's side was Florence. She was a 19 year old girl who had an affair with a 40 year old Scotsman and became pregnant. She went away to have the baby and he went back to . My Dad became a ward of the state. He has never been interested in finding out about his birth parents. I on the other hand am very interested and will be looking into this more.

During our conversation and quite unexpectedly my Dad says in a very loud voice Rachel your surgery not working you sound like a man and are loud like a man is. I was taken a back as I have always spoken louder as both my parents are hard of hearing. I lowered my voice, said nothing just continued with the conversation. After they left for the evening self doubt entered my psyche breaking down and crying. I just let it out.

As I have posted before Kara was there to challenge me. I calmed down and we spoke that maybe there was still a grieving process going for my Dad  and the anger I spoke of was because I had taken away his son. I've had some time to think and though my parents love me they still might be grieving the loss of their son. In this instant though it was about me and my projections. My Dad was just the mirror like he wasn't even there. I am in a support group and I thought about something our therapy coach and mentor said.when you aren't committed or just have not gotten something your ego will bring it back time and time again from different people and really it is only your projection.

All it was is a belief that my voice still gives me away and either at the golf course today or my Dad telling me I sounded like a man it was my ego pointing it out to me. It is why I was triggered and I know I will need to work on changing that belief. 

Countdown

After all the struggles I have gone through the surgery is just around the corner. The countdown actually started two Mondays ago when I went for my final blood work and EKG. I thought to myself wow only five weeks to go. I remember when I booked the surgery last October, thinking how far away it is. I would tell my friends that my surgery was in 10 months, now there is only 24 days left.

I am asked how I feel by friends all the time. The say they are thinking of me and how close it is. Well it is close now and it will be not only a physical change but very emotional as well. I remember when I was close to making a decision about going full time it was on my mind always. This is very similar to that. I guess when there is life changing events you just natural seem to focus on what is important at the time.

My emotions are mixed right now.I am nervous about the surgery and if there will be complications. I worry about taking care of myself  when I return home and everything that is required for my post care. The emotion that is not here is excitement. I have been asked a lot in the past month you must be excited. I usually  say yes to the question but in fact I do not feel excited right now.  There is a quiet calm knowing that in 24 days I will finally be whole.

My best friend Kara tells me all the time that by thinking about it you will make yourself crazy. I sometimes think I must have been crazy to endure this all my life. I am not crazy but I probably won.t listen to her anyways. This is not to say she doesn't have a impact on my life. Just the opposite she has a way of challenging my thinking. When I am an emotional wreck she will text and call and just steady me.

Just when you think every thing is going fine,  life will through  you for a loop. This past week I went to the doctor to see about my blood work. It was an intern that saw me first. If she is the new bred of doctors we are surely lucky. She was interested and asked several questions. She was caring and even was looking forward to seeing me after the surgery as she wanted to know how I was doing.

Now back to the results of my blood work.  The strange thing was that even though I have not has sex in a long while in the back of my mind was the HIV test. As she started to go through my results all I heard was your blood sugar is high., however you do not have diabetes. She could have stopped there as the rest was a blur. She told me that I should not worry about it until after the surgery. How can you not worry it has been on my mind this past week. I know it can be controlled with diet and exercise but just another obstacle put in my way. Another thing to worry about.

 I will continue to countdown each day. There is still lots to get ready with so little time.  I am glad Kara is going to be there with me. The one thing I am sure about than anytime in my life is I am ready for the surgery and on September 13, 2011, I will have it.

Ups and Downs and Bumps Along the Way

I felt like I have just taken a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I woke up and couldn't wait for the day to start. I was heading to my photography course. I was excited and had been waiting for this day. I am finding I have a passion for photography.  The course was beyond my expectations.

The instructor was knowledgeable, kept the day interesting and was very hands on in helping the students with there cameras. I  bought my SLR camera as I wanted something more than click and shoot. I got more than I expected. When it came to the end of the course I didn't want it to end. I could have easily stayed a couple more hours.

Driving home I thought how am I going to use the knowledge I have learned.  Well my goal is for the next month is to shoot only in  manual mode and experiment with the difference setting. I know some of my pictures will be disaster but others will be perfect.. The thing is I will learn more from the pictures that didn't turn out. 

I have been thinking for a while to document my gender reconstruction surgery  from leaving my home to returning from Montreal. I have seen documentaries dealing with the surgery and the persons experiences. I want to document it using the camera as  my eyes. So during the course  I spoke with Josh our instructor.  He thought it was a great idea and I plan to collaborate with him on ideas to develop this project further. 

One the way home from the course I wanted to share my excitement and new found knowledge. I called my friend Llyn. She is the one that got my interest back into photography. She also see the potential I have and has been a positive influence in my continuing to post my photos. I had a good feeling sharing my day with LLyn and to hear her excited for me was even better.

Even in the best of days adversity can strike at any time, for me that day it was at 10 PM.  I was just about to upload my pictures unto face book when my computer crashed. I restarted the computer and it loaded fine than went black with a message critical error and crashed. I just sunk in the chair looking at the computer thinking there goes all my photos, music and my documents. My anxiety  started to rise and I had to breathe and think for a moment.

I started to calm myself and called the computer support line. They run through several diagnostics with me and we got the computer running twice and both times crashed. It looks like I am sending it in for repairs. The technicians said you need to back up your hard drive as we might not be able to recover your data. They wanted me to wait until morning to give it a change to cool down and than I might be able to retrieve the data

When I awoke in the morning and turned on the computer. I felt relieved as it started to up load my programs. It was  feeling that would not last as it crashed again. I am taking it into a repair shop hopefully  that can back up my hard drive and save my information.  If my hard drive is unrecoverable than so be it.

It does not change the amazing day I had yesterday. I will look on the positive side as my pictures are still on face book. We all have glitches in our lives from time to time. It is how you face them that will determine the outcome in yourself. Today I am just jumping over that fence and proceeding happily along my merry way.

MAKING LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS

Yesterday I finished all my pre-surgery testing.  Of course I won’t know the results for a bit I was in good spirits and was looking forward to going to group therapy. I was feeling cheerful and had decided I wanted a new summer dress to go in. Off to the local mall where I found a dress I had been looking for. I got home had a showered fixed my hair and did my makeup. I was off and heading downtown.

I was there with 10 minutes to spare and rang the buzzer, no answer so I rang again still no answer. It was at this point my heart skipped a beat and I checked my blackberry realizing I was there a week early. This is where my ego used to jump in and I’d begin beating myself up, e.g. how could you be so stupid; you should have checked your blackberry before leaving etc.  A few months ago I would have driven home being angry at myself all the way there.

This time something changed, I though of a stupid quote that if life gives you a bag of lemons make lemonade. There was no getting angry at myself.  Instead I thought it’s a lovely evening so I decided to have dinner at Milestones by the beach. When you take chances or decide to make the best out of your situation surprising things can happen. 

As I was walking down the street a man came out from a door way. He introduced himself saying he was the owner of this restaurant that just opened. He asked my name and wanted to know if I was willing too try it and give my opinion. I thought I can go to Milestone anytime but when can I be a food critic for a restaurant that just has opened.  I stepped inside and was seated. The food was delicious with a good variety. I had linguine in a pesto sauce with jumbo pawns. I thanked the owner, told him I loved my meal and that I would definitely be coming back. 

After dinner I decide to go for a walk along English bay. It was a warm evening and the sun was just starting to set. I remember my parents bringing our family to English Bay on several occasions and it brought back some nice memories. I went down to the waters edge walking along the surf for a bit as the waves were breaking over my feet. 

I watched the people on the beach. There were people sunbathing, roller-blading, some with families and some alone just out for a nightly stroll.  What struck me the most was a group of teenagers on the beach with a volleyball and no net. They had made up there own game and were having a blast. I remembered a time we would make up our own games and play until dark. Today it seem that kids have it a lot more structured; we the adults want them to grow up quicker and be more successful than us.  It was nice to see a bunch of kids just doing their own thing.

As I walked back to my car I was thinking to myself what a pleasant evening I’d had. It was nice to get out of my apartment. This would never have happened if I had not made the mistake of thinking my therapy was today.  Making lemonade was much better than being angry over a silly mistake.  My ego will have to now look elsewhere to bring me down. The ride home was quiet and peaceful.

WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP ITS BEEN, AND ITS NOT OVER.

I woke up today and looked at the calendar just to realize that I will be in the Montreal gender clinic in 5 weeks. It will be a life altering experience, one I plan to savour and enjoy. I also reflected on how fast this is approaching and where I have come from in such a short time.

I know this feeling of being female has been with me all my life. I can't remember the exact moment but from 5 years old I felt I wanted to be a girl. I remember the first time I put on my mother's clothes and played dress up as any little girl would do.  During my teens going to school I wished I could be one of the girls or standing in front of a mirror naked, my penis tucked between my legs, hoping my breasts would grow. It was this feeling that I was never complete that has stayed with me my whole life. Feelings that I tried time and time again to repress just to have it pop back stronger than before.

I so wanted to be “normal”, as in like every other guy.  But I knew I wasn’t like every other guy. Why was this happening to me? I was angry at times and though I am not religious, I believe in a higher power. How could He play this cruel joke on me?  It just was not fair. I purged several times in my life each time thinking it would clear my mind and the feelings would never return again. Just after the birth of my third child I was sitting at my desk and wave after wave of intense feelings hit me. It was like a tsunami completely flooding my brain of these thoughts of being completely different, not feeling complete. It was so strong that I froze that day.  

That was first time I saw a therapist trying to understand why I felt the way I did. That is not completely true.  What I wanted to know was how could I stop these feeling all together and just be normal. It wasn't until 10 years later I saw my second therapist. I had started to dabble in hormone use. I remember taking my first pill, thinking it was like a magic potion washing over me filling me with calmness. Of course it wasn’t but magic but the feelings were so real.  On my fifth visit she told me I was a transsexual and if I really want to be happy I needed to start accepting this. It scared the hell out of me and I stopped the hormone use and didn't see another therapist for 4 more years.

At the end of 2007 was one of the lowest points in my life. I was depressed and had no self esteem. I had thoughts of suicide. It would be so much easier to be dead, the pain gone. Thinking at the time it would be so much easier on my family not to have a transgender husband, dad, brother and son. It was at that time I saw my third therapist and the one I still have to this day. I remember seeing her for the first as Rachel and trying to explain how could I stop these feeling, have a normal life and keep my family from falling apart. 

It was at this time I started hormone use again. I thought I will just try them again for a short time. I went back to my specialist every three months to check my blood work. Each time I was going to tell him I was going to stop but instead I increased the dosage.  My therapist told me that in her experience I would know hormones are right if I started to feel complete.  And she was right.

Where was the turning point? How did I come to be at this point in my life? Talking with my therapist on a fairly regular basis we just talked which is to say I did most of the talking; she would take notes and give me feedback. I came to realize my female feelings were never going away. I had to make a choice either stay in the same situation, be unhappy and repeat the same cycles I had most of my life, or continue to grow and realize the real possibility of transitioning.

It was at this time I met Molly, an online friend. We would converse almost daily talking about each other lives. She is also transgender but different.  Whereas I was seriously considering transition, she was a point her life where transition for her was not a viable option either emotionally or financially. One day she asked if I thought I would like to come to BE-All, a transgender conference held in Chicago each June. This idea was intriguing.  I could live for a week as Rachel. The trip was set in motion March of 2009. It was almost derailed by old thoughts haunting me. As I had not told my spouse I was going to cancel the trip when the airline called and changed my flight.  My spouse answered that call and confronted me.  Before I would have backed down but this time I told her I was going. I needed to do this for me.  It was a very stressful time in so many ways but I knew I had to go.

It was an amazing trip to Chicago from leaving Vancouver as Rachel to returning home again a week later as Rachel.  I was myself, accepted for who I am both at the conference and in public and wonder of wonders, I felt happy that whole week.  I developed a real and close friendship with Molly that continues today

There were more trips to come as my confidence grew. But I will always remember that trip.  It was really where I saw for the very first time I could live as Rachel and be happy. It got the ball rolling which brings me back today and the wonderful experiences that are yet to happen. 

The trip to Montreal isn’t the end of the journey.  It merely marks the end of my physical changes and the beginning of yet another new phase of my life.  I have lived my life as Rachel these past 18 months and I know she suits me, because I am Rachel.  Not everything has been peaches and cream but the good days outweigh the bad and with each passing day I become more complete and can see continued happiness in my future.    No more wondering.  Now when I look in the mirror I see the woman I was meant to be, breasts and all.  In a few weeks, no more tucking away either.  It is all the doctors can offer and it is enough. I am and I will squeeze every bit of life out of it I can

Lessons My Mother Never Taught Me

Last night was talking to a friend of mind and the subject came up of unwanted attention and violence against women. Early in life women are taught, mostly by their mothers, that as a woman you have to be careful and must take steps to protect yourself. You have to know where you are most of the time as growing up there is a sense of vulnerability. As for me growing up even though I was beaten up several times by a bully who liked to pick on me I never felt that. I have walked in some dangerous places in my life and really never felt scared or worried. That has changed with me now living full time as a woman.
I remember the very first time I felt vulnerable as a woman. I had a late appointment to see my therapist and her office is not in the best part of town. I parked my car on the third floor of a parking garage and as I started to walk to the elevator. I noticed two younger men in the corner and suddenly they whistled and I heard the words hey mama. They casually started to walk forwards me and for the first time in my life I felt fear. My heart rate went up my hands clenched my car keys tightly and my pace quickened and nothing ever came of it.  Something changed that day for me.  I have become more aware of my surrounding, I won't walk in places that never bothered me before and I always have my guard up at night time.
I was recently on a vacation with several girl friends. We were all in a night club together and my one friend who is also transgender had her ass grabbed. I ask myself why to men think they have the right the right to do that. It made her feel uncomfortable and it was not a pleasant experience.  On the same trip I had a little to much to drink and was flirting with a man and the signals I gave out made him believe he might get lucky. So lately I have been thinking that since I have become attracted to men (and apparently them to me) how do I act, what signals am I giving out and do I have to be a little less friendly in certain situations.
Thinking back to my twenties when I was living as a man, I can remember going out to a night club and my friend asking a woman to dance.  When he got the cold shoulder I can still hear him say what a cold bitch. I had another friend who you would call a “player” and his object was to get laid.  Women were objects of conquest to him even though he had a lovely girl friend at the time. 
I have to ask myself why do - men see women as objects and from personal experience and what I’ve read, men do see woman as objects, at least initially.  And so do women.  It is how we make snap judgments about desirability in a matter of seconds.  I have been in conversation with men and when a beautiful woman walks in the room, nobody said she is intelligent, just I love to get her in bed.

. So it is no wonder that in our culture men do feel superior to women and when they are told no, they still think yes, and sometimes that leads to violence. So I guess I have to vigilant and learn the unwritten rules of the game on my own.  It is just something more I have to deal with and get use to along my road to complete transition

Virtual Reality Transition and Relationship

When I was in my darkest moments of my life I discovered a place called second life. It is a virtual reality game on the Internet. So when I was going through therapy and discovering who I was it gave me an outlet to be myself . I created aviator and Rachel was off and running. I would spent  hours and hours in a day escaping from the real world. The one I thought was cruel and unfair to me. The one I was having difficulties in functioning.

When I went there I thought I might be one of  a handful of transgender people. What I discovered was something quite different,There were lots of us in second life. Just like in the real world there was a spectrum from cross dressing to transsexuals and everything in between. Now having been on it fours years I find that the majority of transgender people on second life  will never transition or cross dress in real life but this does give them there own reality. I think that is a good thing as long as it doesn't consume me.

I think for a while it did consume my life I wanted the escapism it gave me.  I could be who I wanted to be.  I did  not have to think about the consequences that transitioning would cause me. I could stay away from the arguing that had been going on. I distanced myself from my family.  I even  discussed it with my therapist.

If you explore any of the virtual reality sites you will see if has also become a place where you think you can have relationships without any consequences. That is just not true. Yes sometimes they work out and the relationship grows into real life. But even the one that are successful there is quite often pain and suffering involved especially if a family is split up. I am not saying that the relationship caused the breakup just that it contributed to it.
There are people behind the aviators. You just can't walk away from a relationship and not have pain and suffering. These are real people with feeling and it doesn't matter,when you spend time that much time with some one  and breakup it hurts and sometime hurts bad. When it comes to relationship in second life it is my belief that a line has been crossed and it is no longer a game. There is also the  fact that a lot of couple that are partners in second life have different real life  partners. If they are spending that much time in second life how can they grow and nurture there own relationship. Or even worse how can they move on in their life if they really want to be happy

I only speak of this because I personally have been in several second life relationships. The first one was when I was still married and I had started to more forward with my transition.  I meet a woman who have the same interest that I did. She was not in a happy relationship and we could talk for hours. We would talk about my transition as she had accepted  Rachel on a partial level. We would discuss our work and our families. What was happening in our daily lives.What we would like to do and even talked  about living together. We did this for almost a year. The problem was she could accept me as a cross dresser but never a transsexual and by that time I knew it was right to follow the transition path and become full time. I know in the beginning of my journey I didn't want to accept that I would transition. I knew how much pain could be involved and I was scared, So in a way I was still in my shell but just as an aviator named Rachel. I finally broke it off with her. She was very hurt and some mean things were said between us. There has been a lot of water under the bridge and we go still stay in contact with each other.

The other relationship I had was when I was living full time and I was separated at the time. It started very slowly and we started dating and talking and getting acquainted  with each other. The relationship blossomed and we spend a lot of time together we were there for each other in some very rough times and supported each other. I fell in love with her but she loved me on a different level more like a close personal friend.

When her real life became burdensome and she knew that this long distance relationship as friends, lovers and partners would not work she left second life for a while. It was the easiest way of breaking up. I was hurt  and angry as I thought she loved me as much as  I did her. I looked into the mirror and saw the reflection of myself. I had to step back and look again. I still loved her but wasn't I trying to get into a relationship because I could not have a loving relationship with myself.

My ego was right in my face telling me see you aren't good enough, you won't have a relationship. That ego is sneaky always trying to go through the back door.  I have worked hard and made great progress in seeing when my ego is up too. I still slip now and than but I can laugh a little more when I catch my ego. I am loving myself.  She did come back to second life and we are close friends to this day.

Today I was on another virtual reality site and meet up with a woman that was a good friend and I had feeling for but was in another relationship at the time. We spend several hours together and those same feeling came back. We started to explore them and it felt very good. We talked about continuing to see each other. There was a connection between us and each one felt it. We both are experienced in the game and this time will take it slow. I do not believe that virtual relationship can survive there needs to be growth and a real life intimacy. We need to see the person's dirty socks and explore each other emotions while being together. I do believe though what with the mass media and technology of today that a long distance relationship can work . I will continue to see her and I hope we grow together. If this is to work it will have to be taken out of the virtual reality medium. I have grown over the past year and I am more confident in myself and have learned for some of my mistakes.

















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Growth

It is now 18 months since my now ex-spouse asked for a divorce. She could not handle the shame of having her husband transition in public. She was a very private person. I guess we just outgrow each other. She said I was a different person to her and some of our arguements were just about that. I told her I was the same person couldn't she see that but she saw a complete different person. I look back to those days and I have to agree with her I was a different person. I was becoming more self assured, was opening up my life to new things. I wasn't  as scared any more of  how others could make me feel. I would not let others try and control my emotions. In a way I was letting myself become free.

That was the start of a new beginning for me. It was painful to start and in those first days of realizing I was actually going to transition it scared the shit out of me. What have I done. I might lose some of my children, my relationship with others are going to change and I will be alone with no one but myself. How will work accept me and will I be able to survive financially. For a while those thoughts replaced the all consuming ones of being a woman.


This is not a woe is me post today because I do feel happier about my self and I am becoming more self assured of who I was becoming.  It is a journey and one that I have embraced and am learning to enjoy

It isn't easy to transition probably the tough thing I have every done in my life.  I feel more self at ease with who I am. I am beginning to love myself. I am in group therapy which is all about love and how  our quilt, our ego and our  perceptions stop us from just that  loving ourselves. I have talked with close friends about if I will ever be in another relationship, but how can I,  until I am in a relationship with myself and have unconditional love. I have made great progress and continue to work hard at loving myself. I have set backs and somethings feel depressed and lonely. This is all part of the journey of finding out who I am and what is my identity. 

I have found new friends more than I ever had when I was in my shell. I am a lot more outgoing and I actually have a smile on my face more days than not. I can remember when I didn't smile for a month. I have reconnected with relatives that I have not seen for 20 years and we have become friends. I like how I have become. 

I actually get out of the house and do things. I have become intersted in photography and I am taking a course next week. My surgery is in about 6 weeks and one thing I would love to do is becoming an actor. So once I heal up I will take a drama course and I will look into the joining a community theater group.

I am getting to be in a good space as it gets close to my surgery date and I have many friends that will be there for me. So for now I will continue to see where this experiences takes me and I am thinking far.
 



 

Never say Never

As I have just gotten home from a family function and attending pride, organizing and looking after the transgender health booth. I could write tonight about many things. The opening up of my sexuality which will be for another day, how I felt sitting in the transgender booth at pride or what is was like to have a transgender booth this year after all the hard work to make it happen. First I would like to thank Kara and Llyn attending and helping me with the booth. They have taught me what friendship is all about being there for you no matter what.

But tonight I would like to talk about something I say with little thought and I think is it may even be my security blanket. I am fond of saying it will never happen. I have said it too numerous times to count. I  have said I wont get a divorce and I am still working through this one but I am divorced  I said it about transitioning and in 6 weeks I am going to Montreal. I have said it about my sexuality I will never be interested in men  and now I find myself also attracted to men. I have said it about finding a relationship and even though I might not be ready I at least should be open to the fact it


Tonight I went  a family barbecue at my brothers house. I went with some trepidation  as my uncle was going to be there and he has never seen me as Rachel and I have felt there was this rivalry between us as he was the youngest son of my grandparents and I was the first born grandson. We were only 7 years apart. Than there was the fact I was going to my brothers home for the first time since I transitioned and I know they weren't comfortable and that some of my nephews and nieces had not yet accepted me. I heard that little voice in my head say it is OK if you are  Never accept it is just how it is and I cant do anything about it.

I got to my brothers with my cousin Sherri who has been real supportive since day one. We walked in and I do not know how but I felt there was a change. Every one there just accepted me for who I was. My niece said hi and was not rude to me like last time even though she stayed clear of me. I think there is a time when she might come around. It was cute when I walked in and my niece's little daughter ran up to me pointed her finger and said I know who that lady is.

But tonight was different and there was some very profound moments that happened. The first was when I  was standing alone my uncle came up to me and gave me a hug said I looked very lovely and he only wanted the best for me. The second was I went into the house for a sec and two of my nephews were in their bed room and I hear Auntie Rachel come see this. One wanted to show me his photographic artwork and the other wanted to feel me how he was doing in film school. That was the first time they had called me auntie Rachel. The last one was when I was leaving my aunt from Montreal called me over to where she was sitting and gave me a long necklace with a heart locket on it.

Tonight my family just accepted me and they saw me not some shell to be hidden. I see this and there is more hope that my own children will come around and see me for who I am just a parent that loves them dearly.

I  now have  caring friends in my life because  I opened up. I know that after reading this blog tonight they will not let me get away with saying never as anything is possible.I still might slip as I still have self confidence issues in my life.I know this because at pride sitting at the booth I was wondering with all the people walking past do I pass. I also know my friends are there to give my a soft kick in the pants pick me up and get me on my way.

Thinking

I have been thinking of starting to write. My son, Therapist and my best friend have encouraged me to start a small blog. I have had writers block since I was in high school when a teacher said that it wasn't the idea that was important but how well it was written. She told me that if my grammar didn't improve that my writing would mean nothing. I stopped writing and that seems to have been a theme in my life. I see now that the idea is more important and to take a chance and put my thoughts into words

I have always felt I was never good enough, never a good enough son. husband, Dad, employee or coach. I think maybe that is because I have never felt right in my skin. I remember when I was small wanting to be a girl sneaking into my moms room to play dress up. I was caught once and was told to go to bed that isn't what little boys do. I soon learned that it was a secret to be hidden that I had to keep my feeling to myself that it wasn't acceptable in society that I wanted a different gender.

It have been constant through out my life a struggle to fit in or be who I was suppose to be. I created this shell or should I call it armour. I built it so well that it was like a prison and ever so often I would be let out just to be me. There were times I went to far and the shell got scared and I would be punished everything that was Rachel was purged.

The shell adapted as I got older and I really did fit in. I was a good husband and father. I would work long hours and was successful in my company. I coached every sport my kids wanted to play.I over excelled at everything. I wanted to please everyone but myself. I think it was because I didn't deserve it. I was a fraud.This wasn't who I was or meant to be.I tried to please everyone expect my self. The shell would show signs of cracking though out my life but I was always able to  keep it together. I think  a lot of duct tape worked. Each time the shell shows a crack it got a bit weaker and the next crack was just a little bigger and with all cracks light can get through. This was the same for me. It started small thinking more and more who I was, what my gender is, was I happy. I felt isolated from everyone because who they saw  was wasn't me.  Than one day like most transgender people that take this journey and it is a journey the shell cracked open wide and I almost didn't survive but I did. I am a survivor

Once it was open Rachel as I will call my true self wasn't going back in and as she started to explored her true self  and felt happy in those moments. But once it has opened up  it was like a snowball going down hill and soon it was a boulder breaking open everything in its path. it could not be stopped. I know I changed allot of perceptions and there was genuine shock from my family,my friend and from work. I think I was the most shocked as right up until I transitioned I thought I could bring back the shell to please my family. What I could not see close friends could that it was going to happen soon than I ever thought it would. I have blinders on and it took allot of work with my therapist to finally see the light.

I want to say I love my family the most even though I am now divorced, two of my children have not come to grips with it. It is not there fault nor is it mine. I have known this all my life and it is like a death in the family their Dad is gone and it will take them a while to get over it. I love them and can wait as long as it takes as I will always love them but to do so I had to love myself and be true to myself
I have always but up barriers in my life and lately it seems each one was knocked out of the water. As I get ready for my surgery I am nervous , a little scared but most of all content that I will finally be whole .This doesn't stop with the surgery because I will still need to find an identity who am I really. what does Rachel really want in life.With the surgery this is just a chapter that will have closed and the start of something new. This is just a start I hope as things come up I will express them. I am for the first time in my life writing for me