Never say Never

As I have just gotten home from a family function and attending pride, organizing and looking after the transgender health booth. I could write tonight about many things. The opening up of my sexuality which will be for another day, how I felt sitting in the transgender booth at pride or what is was like to have a transgender booth this year after all the hard work to make it happen. First I would like to thank Kara and Llyn attending and helping me with the booth. They have taught me what friendship is all about being there for you no matter what.

But tonight I would like to talk about something I say with little thought and I think is it may even be my security blanket. I am fond of saying it will never happen. I have said it too numerous times to count. I  have said I wont get a divorce and I am still working through this one but I am divorced  I said it about transitioning and in 6 weeks I am going to Montreal. I have said it about my sexuality I will never be interested in men  and now I find myself also attracted to men. I have said it about finding a relationship and even though I might not be ready I at least should be open to the fact it


Tonight I went  a family barbecue at my brothers house. I went with some trepidation  as my uncle was going to be there and he has never seen me as Rachel and I have felt there was this rivalry between us as he was the youngest son of my grandparents and I was the first born grandson. We were only 7 years apart. Than there was the fact I was going to my brothers home for the first time since I transitioned and I know they weren't comfortable and that some of my nephews and nieces had not yet accepted me. I heard that little voice in my head say it is OK if you are  Never accept it is just how it is and I cant do anything about it.

I got to my brothers with my cousin Sherri who has been real supportive since day one. We walked in and I do not know how but I felt there was a change. Every one there just accepted me for who I was. My niece said hi and was not rude to me like last time even though she stayed clear of me. I think there is a time when she might come around. It was cute when I walked in and my niece's little daughter ran up to me pointed her finger and said I know who that lady is.

But tonight was different and there was some very profound moments that happened. The first was when I  was standing alone my uncle came up to me and gave me a hug said I looked very lovely and he only wanted the best for me. The second was I went into the house for a sec and two of my nephews were in their bed room and I hear Auntie Rachel come see this. One wanted to show me his photographic artwork and the other wanted to feel me how he was doing in film school. That was the first time they had called me auntie Rachel. The last one was when I was leaving my aunt from Montreal called me over to where she was sitting and gave me a long necklace with a heart locket on it.

Tonight my family just accepted me and they saw me not some shell to be hidden. I see this and there is more hope that my own children will come around and see me for who I am just a parent that loves them dearly.

I  now have  caring friends in my life because  I opened up. I know that after reading this blog tonight they will not let me get away with saying never as anything is possible.I still might slip as I still have self confidence issues in my life.I know this because at pride sitting at the booth I was wondering with all the people walking past do I pass. I also know my friends are there to give my a soft kick in the pants pick me up and get me on my way.

Thinking

I have been thinking of starting to write. My son, Therapist and my best friend have encouraged me to start a small blog. I have had writers block since I was in high school when a teacher said that it wasn't the idea that was important but how well it was written. She told me that if my grammar didn't improve that my writing would mean nothing. I stopped writing and that seems to have been a theme in my life. I see now that the idea is more important and to take a chance and put my thoughts into words

I have always felt I was never good enough, never a good enough son. husband, Dad, employee or coach. I think maybe that is because I have never felt right in my skin. I remember when I was small wanting to be a girl sneaking into my moms room to play dress up. I was caught once and was told to go to bed that isn't what little boys do. I soon learned that it was a secret to be hidden that I had to keep my feeling to myself that it wasn't acceptable in society that I wanted a different gender.

It have been constant through out my life a struggle to fit in or be who I was suppose to be. I created this shell or should I call it armour. I built it so well that it was like a prison and ever so often I would be let out just to be me. There were times I went to far and the shell got scared and I would be punished everything that was Rachel was purged.

The shell adapted as I got older and I really did fit in. I was a good husband and father. I would work long hours and was successful in my company. I coached every sport my kids wanted to play.I over excelled at everything. I wanted to please everyone but myself. I think it was because I didn't deserve it. I was a fraud.This wasn't who I was or meant to be.I tried to please everyone expect my self. The shell would show signs of cracking though out my life but I was always able to  keep it together. I think  a lot of duct tape worked. Each time the shell shows a crack it got a bit weaker and the next crack was just a little bigger and with all cracks light can get through. This was the same for me. It started small thinking more and more who I was, what my gender is, was I happy. I felt isolated from everyone because who they saw  was wasn't me.  Than one day like most transgender people that take this journey and it is a journey the shell cracked open wide and I almost didn't survive but I did. I am a survivor

Once it was open Rachel as I will call my true self wasn't going back in and as she started to explored her true self  and felt happy in those moments. But once it has opened up  it was like a snowball going down hill and soon it was a boulder breaking open everything in its path. it could not be stopped. I know I changed allot of perceptions and there was genuine shock from my family,my friend and from work. I think I was the most shocked as right up until I transitioned I thought I could bring back the shell to please my family. What I could not see close friends could that it was going to happen soon than I ever thought it would. I have blinders on and it took allot of work with my therapist to finally see the light.

I want to say I love my family the most even though I am now divorced, two of my children have not come to grips with it. It is not there fault nor is it mine. I have known this all my life and it is like a death in the family their Dad is gone and it will take them a while to get over it. I love them and can wait as long as it takes as I will always love them but to do so I had to love myself and be true to myself
I have always but up barriers in my life and lately it seems each one was knocked out of the water. As I get ready for my surgery I am nervous , a little scared but most of all content that I will finally be whole .This doesn't stop with the surgery because I will still need to find an identity who am I really. what does Rachel really want in life.With the surgery this is just a chapter that will have closed and the start of something new. This is just a start I hope as things come up I will express them. I am for the first time in my life writing for me