I have come along way but not as long as I would like to be. I am still looking for that relationship and the feeling of being connected to someone intimately. How can I have that when first I must be connected to myself and happy from within. I have worked on it but at times it still eludes me. I need to be able to live alone and be happy within myself.
I really noticed this with Christmas and my son coming to stay with me. I was uplifted that he was here. I felt connected that he was in my home with me and we could chat and get to know one another. I found out he was a great cook and we have several fabulous dinners together in which he prepared. He stayed for a week we did things together, went to a very good foreign film in which we both enjoyed. I have never felt closer to him than this time together.
When he left to go stay with his Mom the feeling of loneliness came back. That I was by myself again and went into a bit of a funk. I have thought about this and I think it is a false believe that I am still not good enough. I don't deserve to be happy. I have started to recognize when I get this feeling of despair in my body as my legs and thigh tense up
Yesterday I noticed it coming back as I getting a cold and was not eating properly and letting myself run down. If you are not taking care of yourself you aren't loving yourself. Today I decided to make a change. I woke up and told myself I am love, I feel good. I had a nice breakfast and cleaned up the apartment. I took bailey my dog for a walk. I went to my parents house and have a visit with them and my son was there.It was a really nice time. Overall I have a good day and tomorrow I can wake up with a positive outlook and start to change my negative patterns .
