looking into the Past

This past month it has been really hard on me. I have a tenacity to let people continually hurt me. On May 5, 2012 my youngest son got married and I was not invited. What was worse was that my parents never got invited either. My middle son sent me an email saying that for now they don't want me in there life. It hurt me greatly more than I thought it would. What helped me was spending time with a close friend  going to dinner and movies.

I have thought about this a great deal and for now as my oldest accepts and loves me I will focus on him The other two  I will let them have some space and when they want a relationship they can come back to me and I will accept them with open arms but I cant let them keep hurting me.

I do fight with depression and being alone by myself has not helped the situation at all. I am working at going out a little more  being with friends and not staying on the computer. I have been off the computer for almost two weeks now. I find that on line relationships are not really healthy for me as when they don't work out they reaffirm that I am not loved.

I have all my life craved attention. It is maybe why I did some really stupid things growing up, was always the class clown in school. Was a person that was funny and could act anyway people like but had a deep need to please everyone. I did not have allot of self confidence from a very young age and I know I was different than all the boys in my class but had to hide it as a secret. I was always scared that some one would find out. To this day I still dont have allot of self esteem and have a problem thinking I am successful. It is just very deep rooted

I look back on my life and see there is a pattern . Allot of the attention I have seeked is negative and the way I have seen it is any attention on me is good attention. It will  sometime in the future look inward and see that I am a good person with good qualities. Try and make the attention on me positive. It is not an easy thing to do almost like an alcoholic so easy to take that one drink and than everything slips back ward.

It is good to have a few close friends around that really care about me. Yes they can be harsh sometimes but they always do it out of love and I appreciate them. I have never had friends like this before. I was a loner most of my life. I am a extrovert that was trying to hide myself and become an introvert as I never wanted any one to find out my true self. In reflection evening getting married was more about not being alone than being loved.

This is the end of the month and June is a new beggining and for now I will work on new beginnings