Never say Never

As I have just gotten home from a family function and attending pride, organizing and looking after the transgender health booth. I could write tonight about many things. The opening up of my sexuality which will be for another day, how I felt sitting in the transgender booth at pride or what is was like to have a transgender booth this year after all the hard work to make it happen. First I would like to thank Kara and Llyn attending and helping me with the booth. They have taught me what friendship is all about being there for you no matter what.

But tonight I would like to talk about something I say with little thought and I think is it may even be my security blanket. I am fond of saying it will never happen. I have said it too numerous times to count. I  have said I wont get a divorce and I am still working through this one but I am divorced  I said it about transitioning and in 6 weeks I am going to Montreal. I have said it about my sexuality I will never be interested in men  and now I find myself also attracted to men. I have said it about finding a relationship and even though I might not be ready I at least should be open to the fact it


Tonight I went  a family barbecue at my brothers house. I went with some trepidation  as my uncle was going to be there and he has never seen me as Rachel and I have felt there was this rivalry between us as he was the youngest son of my grandparents and I was the first born grandson. We were only 7 years apart. Than there was the fact I was going to my brothers home for the first time since I transitioned and I know they weren't comfortable and that some of my nephews and nieces had not yet accepted me. I heard that little voice in my head say it is OK if you are  Never accept it is just how it is and I cant do anything about it.

I got to my brothers with my cousin Sherri who has been real supportive since day one. We walked in and I do not know how but I felt there was a change. Every one there just accepted me for who I was. My niece said hi and was not rude to me like last time even though she stayed clear of me. I think there is a time when she might come around. It was cute when I walked in and my niece's little daughter ran up to me pointed her finger and said I know who that lady is.

But tonight was different and there was some very profound moments that happened. The first was when I  was standing alone my uncle came up to me and gave me a hug said I looked very lovely and he only wanted the best for me. The second was I went into the house for a sec and two of my nephews were in their bed room and I hear Auntie Rachel come see this. One wanted to show me his photographic artwork and the other wanted to feel me how he was doing in film school. That was the first time they had called me auntie Rachel. The last one was when I was leaving my aunt from Montreal called me over to where she was sitting and gave me a long necklace with a heart locket on it.

Tonight my family just accepted me and they saw me not some shell to be hidden. I see this and there is more hope that my own children will come around and see me for who I am just a parent that loves them dearly.

I  now have  caring friends in my life because  I opened up. I know that after reading this blog tonight they will not let me get away with saying never as anything is possible.I still might slip as I still have self confidence issues in my life.I know this because at pride sitting at the booth I was wondering with all the people walking past do I pass. I also know my friends are there to give my a soft kick in the pants pick me up and get me on my way.