Thinking

I have been thinking of starting to write. My son, Therapist and my best friend have encouraged me to start a small blog. I have had writers block since I was in high school when a teacher said that it wasn't the idea that was important but how well it was written. She told me that if my grammar didn't improve that my writing would mean nothing. I stopped writing and that seems to have been a theme in my life. I see now that the idea is more important and to take a chance and put my thoughts into words

I have always felt I was never good enough, never a good enough son. husband, Dad, employee or coach. I think maybe that is because I have never felt right in my skin. I remember when I was small wanting to be a girl sneaking into my moms room to play dress up. I was caught once and was told to go to bed that isn't what little boys do. I soon learned that it was a secret to be hidden that I had to keep my feeling to myself that it wasn't acceptable in society that I wanted a different gender.

It have been constant through out my life a struggle to fit in or be who I was suppose to be. I created this shell or should I call it armour. I built it so well that it was like a prison and ever so often I would be let out just to be me. There were times I went to far and the shell got scared and I would be punished everything that was Rachel was purged.

The shell adapted as I got older and I really did fit in. I was a good husband and father. I would work long hours and was successful in my company. I coached every sport my kids wanted to play.I over excelled at everything. I wanted to please everyone but myself. I think it was because I didn't deserve it. I was a fraud.This wasn't who I was or meant to be.I tried to please everyone expect my self. The shell would show signs of cracking though out my life but I was always able to  keep it together. I think  a lot of duct tape worked. Each time the shell shows a crack it got a bit weaker and the next crack was just a little bigger and with all cracks light can get through. This was the same for me. It started small thinking more and more who I was, what my gender is, was I happy. I felt isolated from everyone because who they saw  was wasn't me.  Than one day like most transgender people that take this journey and it is a journey the shell cracked open wide and I almost didn't survive but I did. I am a survivor

Once it was open Rachel as I will call my true self wasn't going back in and as she started to explored her true self  and felt happy in those moments. But once it has opened up  it was like a snowball going down hill and soon it was a boulder breaking open everything in its path. it could not be stopped. I know I changed allot of perceptions and there was genuine shock from my family,my friend and from work. I think I was the most shocked as right up until I transitioned I thought I could bring back the shell to please my family. What I could not see close friends could that it was going to happen soon than I ever thought it would. I have blinders on and it took allot of work with my therapist to finally see the light.

I want to say I love my family the most even though I am now divorced, two of my children have not come to grips with it. It is not there fault nor is it mine. I have known this all my life and it is like a death in the family their Dad is gone and it will take them a while to get over it. I love them and can wait as long as it takes as I will always love them but to do so I had to love myself and be true to myself
I have always but up barriers in my life and lately it seems each one was knocked out of the water. As I get ready for my surgery I am nervous , a little scared but most of all content that I will finally be whole .This doesn't stop with the surgery because I will still need to find an identity who am I really. what does Rachel really want in life.With the surgery this is just a chapter that will have closed and the start of something new. This is just a start I hope as things come up I will express them. I am for the first time in my life writing for me