Growth

It is now 18 months since my now ex-spouse asked for a divorce. She could not handle the shame of having her husband transition in public. She was a very private person. I guess we just outgrow each other. She said I was a different person to her and some of our arguements were just about that. I told her I was the same person couldn't she see that but she saw a complete different person. I look back to those days and I have to agree with her I was a different person. I was becoming more self assured, was opening up my life to new things. I wasn't  as scared any more of  how others could make me feel. I would not let others try and control my emotions. In a way I was letting myself become free.

That was the start of a new beginning for me. It was painful to start and in those first days of realizing I was actually going to transition it scared the shit out of me. What have I done. I might lose some of my children, my relationship with others are going to change and I will be alone with no one but myself. How will work accept me and will I be able to survive financially. For a while those thoughts replaced the all consuming ones of being a woman.


This is not a woe is me post today because I do feel happier about my self and I am becoming more self assured of who I was becoming.  It is a journey and one that I have embraced and am learning to enjoy

It isn't easy to transition probably the tough thing I have every done in my life.  I feel more self at ease with who I am. I am beginning to love myself. I am in group therapy which is all about love and how  our quilt, our ego and our  perceptions stop us from just that  loving ourselves. I have talked with close friends about if I will ever be in another relationship, but how can I,  until I am in a relationship with myself and have unconditional love. I have made great progress and continue to work hard at loving myself. I have set backs and somethings feel depressed and lonely. This is all part of the journey of finding out who I am and what is my identity. 

I have found new friends more than I ever had when I was in my shell. I am a lot more outgoing and I actually have a smile on my face more days than not. I can remember when I didn't smile for a month. I have reconnected with relatives that I have not seen for 20 years and we have become friends. I like how I have become. 

I actually get out of the house and do things. I have become intersted in photography and I am taking a course next week. My surgery is in about 6 weeks and one thing I would love to do is becoming an actor. So once I heal up I will take a drama course and I will look into the joining a community theater group.

I am getting to be in a good space as it gets close to my surgery date and I have many friends that will be there for me. So for now I will continue to see where this experiences takes me and I am thinking far.