This past week I decided I was going to golf. I called several friends but none were able to go on the Sunday. I was determined too, so on Sunday morning was up early and headed to the golf course. I was paired with two guys and they made it an enjoyable day for me.
During the game I become aware of my surrounding and how I was feeling. It started with my throat being dry and as result become a little raspy at times. I became a bit self self conscious and ever so often, a thought would appear does my voice give me away. This was in spite of the fact that the one golfer made me feel very much like a woman. The interaction was very much different than when I played golf as a guy.When ever I hit a really good shot he would turn look at me, smile and say great shot Also when I told him he hit a great shot he would look me in the eyes and smiles. When men play together they never look at each other never mind smile.
Since being on hormones I have really began to notice I have less strength than I use too. At first it would frustrate me especially on a golf course where friends I would out drive by 10 to 20 yards now consistently out drive me. For Doug golf was a very competitive game one he played with a passion. Yesterday I realized even though I wanted to play well there wasn't the passion I was just enjoying myself. I use to play 36 hole of golf in a day and yesterday towards the end I noticed I was becoming physical fatigued. One of the golfers even commented after I hit a particular bad shot "its ok Rachel we all hit bad shots when we become tired".
After the round I said my goodbyes and was driving home, I thought about the difference that 2 years has made in my life. I am not talking about my transition and everything that has happened. I mean in some of the plans I have thought about as I got close to retire. In 2009, my only hobby at the time was golfing. I was thinking about the days when I would retire and play 4 or 5 rounds a week. Now I do not see that in my future. I will still play golf but now I have other hobbies I enjoy cooking and photography. I have so many more friends with different interest now and those are to be explored.
When I got home I started to get ready as I was having my parents over for dinner. I do enjoy having friends and family over and cooking for them. They really enjoyed the meal and it was nice to be appreciated. Our conversation when my parents are over has been in the past focused on politics or sports. These are the interest of my dad, who likes to control the conversation and Doug was very much like that. Rachel however enjoys a wide range of topics that includes her Mom in the conversation. I have come to realize that my Dad misses that and there might be some anger involved. This time our conversation was about family and relatives. I also learned that my grandmother's name on my Dad's side was Florence. She was a 19 year old girl who had an affair with a 40 year old Scotsman and became pregnant. She went away to have the baby and he went back to . My Dad became a ward of the state. He has never been interested in finding out about his birth parents. I on the other hand am very interested and will be looking into this more.
During our conversation and quite unexpectedly my Dad says in a very loud voice Rachel your surgery not working you sound like a man and are loud like a man is. I was taken a back as I have always spoken louder as both my parents are hard of hearing. I lowered my voice, said nothing just continued with the conversation. After they left for the evening self doubt entered my psyche breaking down and crying. I just let it out.
As I have posted before Kara was there to challenge me. I calmed down and we spoke that maybe there was still a grieving process going for my Dad and the anger I spoke of was because I had taken away his son. I've had some time to think and though my parents love me they still might be grieving the loss of their son. In this instant though it was about me and my projections. My Dad was just the mirror like he wasn't even there. I am in a support group and I thought about something our therapy coach and mentor said.when you aren't committed or just have not gotten something your ego will bring it back time and time again from different people and really it is only your projection.
All it was is a belief that my voice still gives me away and either at the golf course today or my Dad telling me I sounded like a man it was my ego pointing it out to me. It is why I was triggered and I know I will need to work on changing that belief.
No comments:
Post a Comment