I woke up today and looked at the calendar just to realize that I will be in the Montreal gender clinic in 5 weeks. It will be a life altering experience, one I plan to savour and enjoy. I also reflected on how fast this is approaching and where I have come from in such a short time.
I know this feeling of being female has been with me all my life. I can't remember the exact moment but from 5 years old I felt I wanted to be a girl. I remember the first time I put on my mother's clothes and played dress up as any little girl would do. During my teens going to school I wished I could be one of the girls or standing in front of a mirror naked, my penis tucked between my legs, hoping my breasts would grow. It was this feeling that I was never complete that has stayed with me my whole life. Feelings that I tried time and time again to repress just to have it pop back stronger than before.
I so wanted to be “normal”, as in like every other guy. But I knew I wasn’t like every other guy. Why was this happening to me? I was angry at times and though I am not religious, I believe in a higher power. How could He play this cruel joke on me? It just was not fair. I purged several times in my life each time thinking it would clear my mind and the feelings would never return again. Just after the birth of my third child I was sitting at my desk and wave after wave of intense feelings hit me. It was like a tsunami completely flooding my brain of these thoughts of being completely different, not feeling complete. It was so strong that I froze that day.
That was first time I saw a therapist trying to understand why I felt the way I did. That is not completely true. What I wanted to know was how could I stop these feeling all together and just be normal. It wasn't until 10 years later I saw my second therapist. I had started to dabble in hormone use. I remember taking my first pill, thinking it was like a magic potion washing over me filling me with calmness. Of course it wasn’t but magic but the feelings were so real. On my fifth visit she told me I was a transsexual and if I really want to be happy I needed to start accepting this. It scared the hell out of me and I stopped the hormone use and didn't see another therapist for 4 more years.
At the end of 2007 was one of the lowest points in my life. I was depressed and had no self esteem. I had thoughts of suicide. It would be so much easier to be dead, the pain gone. Thinking at the time it would be so much easier on my family not to have a transgender husband, dad, brother and son. It was at that time I saw my third therapist and the one I still have to this day. I remember seeing her for the first as Rachel and trying to explain how could I stop these feeling, have a normal life and keep my family from falling apart.
It was at this time I started hormone use again. I thought I will just try them again for a short time. I went back to my specialist every three months to check my blood work. Each time I was going to tell him I was going to stop but instead I increased the dosage. My therapist told me that in her experience I would know hormones are right if I started to feel complete. And she was right.
Where was the turning point? How did I come to be at this point in my life? Talking with my therapist on a fairly regular basis we just talked which is to say I did most of the talking; she would take notes and give me feedback. I came to realize my female feelings were never going away. I had to make a choice either stay in the same situation, be unhappy and repeat the same cycles I had most of my life, or continue to grow and realize the real possibility of transitioning.
It was at this time I met Molly, an online friend. We would converse almost daily talking about each other lives. She is also transgender but different. Whereas I was seriously considering transition, she was a point her life where transition for her was not a viable option either emotionally or financially. One day she asked if I thought I would like to come to BE-All, a transgender conference held in Chicago each June. This idea was intriguing. I could live for a week as Rachel. The trip was set in motion March of 2009. It was almost derailed by old thoughts haunting me. As I had not told my spouse I was going to cancel the trip when the airline called and changed my flight. My spouse answered that call and confronted me. Before I would have backed down but this time I told her I was going. I needed to do this for me. It was a very stressful time in so many ways but I knew I had to go.
It was an amazing trip to Chicago from leaving Vancouver as Rachel to returning home again a week later as Rachel. I was myself, accepted for who I am both at the conference and in public and wonder of wonders, I felt happy that whole week. I developed a real and close friendship with Molly that continues today
There were more trips to come as my confidence grew. But I will always remember that trip. It was really where I saw for the very first time I could live as Rachel and be happy. It got the ball rolling which brings me back today and the wonderful experiences that are yet to happen.
The trip to Montreal isn’t the end of the journey. It merely marks the end of my physical changes and the beginning of yet another new phase of my life. I have lived my life as Rachel these past 18 months and I know she suits me, because I am Rachel. Not everything has been peaches and cream but the good days outweigh the bad and with each passing day I become more complete and can see continued happiness in my future. No more wondering. Now when I look in the mirror I see the woman I was meant to be, breasts and all. In a few weeks, no more tucking away either. It is all the doctors can offer and it is enough. I am and I will squeeze every bit of life out of it I can
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